time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
