is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
