Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
