The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
