come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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