Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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