he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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