in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
