When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
