I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm getting married
To pizza
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
