Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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