I'm pants shitting drunk right now
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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