I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
