AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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