We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
