woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
