Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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