All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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