hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
They took my balls.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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