I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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