I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
