i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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