my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
