I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
