DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
