If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
