3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
