Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
