Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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