So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
