i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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