I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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