Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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