I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
