Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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