I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize