you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
operation harelip BJ is a go
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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