the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
