: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
