"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
