my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize