i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
