I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
