im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
this boner is exhausting
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
