i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
