I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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