I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
FUCK WHALES
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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