we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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