just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
