I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
