I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
