Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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