Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
