You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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