i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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