I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
