She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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