I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
so that wasnt chicken after all
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Randomize
