nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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