I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
