yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
